Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
