Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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