She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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