The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
