No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
