Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
