I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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