I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
