I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
