exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
