I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
