I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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