i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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