she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
