Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
