Im at strip club and am horny
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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