people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
