She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
