Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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