I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
