when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
