Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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