Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My bed smells like the plague
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
