got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
