You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
