woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
cat food counts as protein by the way
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
