they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
