I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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