You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
