I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Boobs are out for the taking
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
