i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
