If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
