hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
