Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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