My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
