I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
