im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
