i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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