It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
