She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i now understand why vodka
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
