are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
