So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
sex in a hospital.. check
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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