Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
