your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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