this beer tastes like vomit already
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
