im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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