I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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