this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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