Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
