I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
